


The Hardest Choice

by grapenight



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-25 04:03:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/634921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grapenight/pseuds/grapenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan and Brendon have been more than friends for a long time. On a day that seems like every other, Ryan has a very difficult decision to make.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hardest Choice

Ryan had always been kind of uneasy about their setup. He wasn't cheater, neither was Brendon, but their situation had both of them cheating on their various girlfriends. Sometimes he thought it’d be best, for him and any girlfriends around, if he and Brendon just ended their thing. But the one time he had brought it up to Brendon, way back when they were just starting to become a thing as a band, Brendon had convinced him not to. He has said, “I have one rule. Just one, the only one I stick to religiously and it’s you. You come before anyone. I don’t care if it’s my mother, my girlfriend, heck even my wife, you come first. You always come first, Ryan. Even if we don’t work like most couples, you’re still the most important. I love you.”  
It had been the first time Brendon had said I love you to Ryan. It also convinced Ryan to keep going with whatever they had. No one really knew what exactly they were doing, not even the boys themselves. It wasn't that they were fuck buddies, no, but they weren't actually dating. They loved and cared about each other, and they had awesome sex. They could have girlfriends too, it wasn't a big deal. But the girlfriends didn't know about their setup, which if they found out, that usually caused the breakup. That’s what happened with Audrey and Keltie at least. Ryan had actually felt like shit when Keltie found out. He had really cared about her. She was amazing. But she wasn't Brendon. No one was Brendon.  
Few people actually knew that something was going on. Spencer, Jon, and Zack knew, because you can’t keep things like that from your best friends. Shane knew, because if you spend enough time around the boys you knew there was something going on. Teenage girls sitting in their homes all around the country knew. Of course, they didn't have any conformation of the fact, but they guessed, and were right. They had just seen their chemistry and thought up things themselves. But no one actually took them seriously. They’re just hormonal teenagers. Overall, they’re probably more observant than most people. Anyways, that was about everyone who knew, save for a couple pissed exes.  
The split had damaged their relationship. They had gone a couple weeks without speaking to each other, and after years of being around each other 24/7, it was a drastic change. Ryan was actually afraid that it was their ‘break up’. In the end, Ryan and Brendon had come back to each other, even after that. Afterwards, they could have their relationship and not have to care about the bands problems, or fighting over the band during sex (even though those were always some interesting fights). Things were possibly even better after the split. But they still had not defined what exactly they had going on. 

Ryan was sitting on his couch, flipping through the channels, trying to find something worthwhile to watch. There wasn't anything. Of course, it was also noon and Ryan knew he was silly for expecting to actually find something good on. It was times like this when Ryan wished he could have a normal nine to five job. He was just about to give in and watch some documentary about the mob (really, it had to be interesting) when his doorbell rang. He got up and answered it, only to find Brendon Urie pushing through into his house.  
“Dude, I am so hungry, you don’t even know. You better have some good food here, Ry,” Brendon said as he walked towards the kitchen, ready to help himself to any food he found. He ended up microwaving some leftover pizza he found. He naturally added two slices for Ryan, out of habit from knowing him for so long.. As he waited for the pizza to finish heating, he turned to Ryan.  
“Aren’t you going to come here?” Brendon said, holding his arms out. Ryan smiled and walked into his arms, holding him tightly.  
“ I've missed your stupid ass, Bren,” Ryan whispered into Brendon’s neck.  
“You didn't think my ass was so stupid last time,” Brendon retorted. Ryan shook his head, but overall just ignored his comment. Brendon wasn’t a very serious person, and Ryan knew that.  
Ryan pulled back a little and planted his mouth on Brendon’s, kissing him hungrily. It been at least two weeks, and that is way too long to go without Brendon kisses. He always missed Brendon so badly when he was gone. He knew Brendon probably didn't miss him as much, because he had Sarah, he had someone waiting for him, he had no reason to miss Ryan. Ryan might have had Z, or the occasional fling, but none of them could compare to Brendon anymore.  
They were interrupted by the beeping of the microwave. Ryan stepped back and let Brendon get their pizza. As he pulled the plate out he said, “I missed you too, Ry. So much. Here’s your pizza.”  
“Thanks,” Ryan said as he accepted the plate. He was pleased to find his favorite type of pizza and not the crap he keeps just for times when Brendon comes over. He set it down to allow it to cool down a little while Brendon devoured his. “Dang, how are you not burning your tongue? I feel like sometimes the only reason you come here is to eat all my food.”  
“Oh, damn, I didn't know I was so obvious,” Brendon joked around the pizza in his mouth. He swallowed his mouthful of pizza and added, “You know I come here for the food and the television, silly.”  
Ryan took a bite of his pizza (he actually swallowed it before talking, he did have manners unlike some people) and said, “Well, you’re out of luck today. There’s nothing on, unless you want to watch the news.” Ryan knew he wouldn’t because the news bores Brendon more than anything. Except maybe town hall meetings, which bore him so much that he always falls asleep. Ryan knew a lot of Brendon’s quirks and characteristics, he’s seen more of Brendon than almost anyone else.  
Brendon smiled and winked. “Guess I’ll have to find something else to do then.”  
Ryan replied with a smile of his own and said, “Oh, you could clean the litter box for me then,” And left the room and sat on the couch, reclaiming his earlier position. Brendon followed, and plopped himself down in Ryan’s lap. “You have a whole room of places to sit and you have to sit right on top of me?” Ryan asked, laughing slightly.  
“Only because I love you so much!” Brendon exclaimed.  
“Shut up and eat your pizza.”  
They sat in the living room, eating pizza and chatting about their lives and other fun things while Ryan’s mob documentary played in the background. He was glad Brendon came over, because talking to him was so much better. These activities are a normal part of their lives; Brendon came over a lot. Every time he did, they caught up on each other’s lives, since they were no longer with each other all the time. They didn’t share the same life anymore. Afterwards, they might make out and watch a movie, have sex, or not do anything sexual at all, and just play around with music. They were musicians, after all, and they worked so well together. As long as they weren't under so much pressure. Some of the music they made just for fun was amazing, and it was one of Ryan’s favorite activities.  
They still weren't just fuck buddies. They still had no idea.  
“If we made out right now, it’d probably taste like pizza,” Brendon said, glee in his eyes.  
“You are one of the few people who would be so happy by that thought, Bren. I’m actually kind of worried.”  
“Oh be quiet, Mr. Pizza Kisses Aren't Amazing.”  
“Make me,” Ryan said, inviting Brendon to kiss him. Brendon smiled and clamped his mouth onto Ryan’s. Their kisses did taste like pizza, and Ryan was sure Brendon was happy about that. Some people are weird. Brendon is one of those people.  
Soon, the kissing was moved to the bedroom. And as they were making out on the bed, Ryan slowly moved down to Brendon’s jaw, placing kisses everywhere, down to his neck, where he sucked, kissed, and lightly bit, careful not to leave marks. Can’t leave anything for Sarah see. At that thought a page of jealousy shot through Ryan. He was never jealous of Brendon’s girlfriends before, he always knew Brendon loved him more. But this one... She wasn't just a girlfriend. She was a soon to be wife. Marriage. It’s a big deal. Ryan still sees marriage as one of the most important things there are.  
He got an idea, then. It wasn't a good idea, few of his ideas were. But as he thought about it, he knew it had to be done.  
“I believe this thing is in my way, sir. Please take care of this problem,” Ryan said, pulling on Brendon’s shirt.  
“Why don’t you take care of it?” Brendon shot back.  
Ryan smiled, placing one last kiss at the base of Brendon’s throat. “Gladly.”  
He pulled Brendon’s shirt off, savouring every bit of skin underneath it. He began kissing every bit of space he could find. Brendon moaned lightly. “And your shirt?”  
Ryan quickly pulled his shirt off and returned to his kissing. He let his hand wander down to Brendon’s pants, making sure he was getting hard. He was pleased to find the outline of Brendon’s dick easily. He palmed him through his jeans lightly for a little while to here Brendon make absolutely obscene sounds, then removed his hand and returned to his kissing.  
Brendon whined, “Ryyyyan.” Ryan moved back up him and shut him up with his mouth, kissing him deeply, enjoying every second of it. They he let his hand go back down to Brendon’s pants and expertly unbuttoned them. He had been unbuttoning Brendon’s pants for about six years now, he was an expert in the field. He kissed his mouth one last time, then traveled down till his face met Brendon’s middle. he quickly pulled down Brendon’s jeans and underwear, and just stared at Brendons hard cock for a second, taking in the view. Brendon’s dick was a masterpiece of it’s own. So amazing.  
He placed a kiss at the tip, just to hear Brendon’s moans and whines. Brendon loves blowjobs, and of course Ryan’s are the best. He’s had six years of practise, just with perfecting the Brendon blowjob. He knew what he liked, he knew what drove Brendon absolutely batshit crazy. And Ryan wasn’t going to stop today for anything less than crazy from Brendon. He wanted the boy, well man technically, to come completely undone just from what Ryan was doing to him.  
With that thought, he licked a line from the base of his cock all the way to the tip, twice, before completely swallowing him down. Brendon cried out, “Oh, god, Ryan, yes. Please.” Ryan bobbed up and down Brendon’s dick before pulling mostly off and licking and sucking completely on the head. Brendon moaned like crazy, making Ryan even harder, as if that was possible. Ryan pulled off and replaced his mouth with his hand, keeping a steady beat. He licked off a couple drops of precome off the tip before returning up to Brendon face. He kisses him and has his tongue in Brendon’s mouth in no time, twisting and turning it against Brendon’s. His hand is still stroking Brendon’s cock, and he pulls back and looks Brendon straight in the eyes, not stopping his hand from moving.  
“ I've been thinking, and you should fuck me. Right now.” Ryan states clearly. Brendon’s fucked Ryan before, many times, but Brendon usually bottoms. Ryan only does occasionally, usually for some special occasion. Brendon’s eyes go wide at the suggestion, and he nods and moans out a, “Oh yes, god. Ryan.”  
After that, Brendon takes over, flipping on top of Ryan and quickly getting rid of the rest of Ryan’s clothes. Ryan moans at the feel of cool air on hi cock, oh god, it had been way too long. Brendon grabs the lube and a condom from the drawer of Ryan’s bedside table where he keeps all of his supplies. Brendon knows Ryan’s room as well as Ryan does. He squirts some lube on his fingers and leans down to kiss Ryan while he shoves one finger in Ryan’s hole. Once Ryan’s stretched out enough, he adds to more and begins to spread his fingers out, and Ryan moans as he does.  
“Brendon, yeah keep doing that, don’t stop, DON’T YOU DARE STOP!” Ryan yells as Brendon removes his fingers.  
“Don’t worry, just wait a second,” Brendon says as he slides a condom on and applies lube. Soon he lines up with Ryan’s hole and pushes in. Ryan cries out at the sharp pain, but Brendon soothes him by plant soft kisses anywhere he can find. Soon, he finds Ryan’s prostate and Ryan’s cries of pain quickly turn to loud moans of pleasure.  
Brendon keeps up a constant rhythm while Ryan rocks his hips back and forth. Soon, Ryan feels his climax approaching. “Bren, Bren, almost, um, a yeah, uh...”  
Brendon somehow picks out what Ryan was trying to say and brings his hand to stroke Ryan’s dick. Ryan lives in the moment where Brendon pushes as hard as he can right into Ryan’s prostate. He comes then, moaning Brendon’s name as he does. Brendon follows shortly after.

Afterwords, Brendon cuddles up to Ryan and the both lay on Ryan’s bed, there breaths steadying together. Once Ryan feels mostly recovered, he turns to face Brendon.  
Brendon smiles and kisses Ryan sweetly.  
Ryan takes a deep breath and begins the hardest speech he’s ever had to make. “I love you, Brendon, you know that, and no, don’t interrupt me during this, I have something to say and I must just get it out. I've loved you for nearly six years, since we were fucking dumbass teenagers. We really haven’t gotten much smarter. But we've been through everything together. I don’t know much, but I know I love you. More than anyone else. remember when you told me you had that one rule, and it was that I always come first? Well, I also know the same is true for me. i have one rule that I always stick to, You always come first. I’ve been putting you above my own emotions for the longest time, and I’m sorry, but that’s going to change. I might have to break that rule. My only rule. But I can’t keep going on like this, I can’t. I love you, you’re the only person I love like this, and I really just want to be the same way to you. But you have Sarah. And I can’t deal with that. When Keltie found out I was cheating on her with you, she actually gave me a choice, I never told you, but she did. She said it was her or you. I could either lose her completely and keep our fucked up relationship, or I could stop this and be with her completely. I could get married, have kids, have the whole package that I just wouldn’t be able to get from you. I knew which decision was the smart one. But my heart just couldn't let you go. I chose you and completely broke that poor girl’s heart. But no one wins over you. I hate to make you decide the same thing, but we can’t keep this up. It’s me or Sarah, Brendon. It’s not fair to either of us that we keep this up. I know you’re probably going to choose Sarah, i don’t blame you. Just, please stop seeing me. I can’t see you at all if it’s not in the way that you’re mine. I’m sorry, but I love you too much to let this continue.” Ryan stopped, finally breathing. As he said that speech, he could feel his heart breaking. He was breaking his own heart, and he knew it. But he was breaking his own heart letting the only boy he had ever loved get married, so really, his heart got broken either way. He waited for Brendon to say something, the faint hope that Brendon would make a grand declaration of love and break up with her as soon as possible. It didn't come. After a few moments of awkward silence, Ryan knew what answer he was getting.  
“Okay. I get it. I’m just going to... um, go to the bathroom. Uh... Yeah.” Ryan ran off to the bathroom to avoid crying in front of Brendon. He knew how dumb this was, but he didn’t think it would hurt this bad. How was he supposed to move on? Would he ever move on? How do you even move on after you completely give your entire heart to someone. There’s no moving on for Ryan. He curled up in a corner of his bathroom, letting his head rest on his knees. A steady stream of tears poured out, and Ryan tried his best to hold back his choked sobs. He couldn't let Brendon hear. Hopefully Brendon was getting his clothes on and would be leaving very soon. Ryan needed to sob, to let all of his hopes and dreams out. And it was all made ridiculous by the fact that Ryan was crying, naked, in his bathroom. If the sadness wasn't crushing him, he might have laughed at that.  
The door to the bathroom opened, and Brendon walked in, now dressed in his boxers. “Please, just, leave. I can’t deal with seeing you, I’m sorry. But, please just don’t make this any harder on me,” Ryan pleaded.  
Brendon sighed and came to sit beside the crying Ryan. He put an arm around him. “Honey, do you realize you were asking me to make a huge decision? I had no idea what was coming, it was totally out of the blue. I needed some time to think, please, Ryan, hear me out.”  
Ryan looked up, tears still falling from his eyes. He couldn’t really deny Brendon anything, he was like putty in his hands. Which is part of the reason why this was so hard.  
“Ryan, I love you. You know my rule, you talked about it yourself. My only rule is you. you come before anything, even my wife. Didn't I say that to you? I meant it. I just... Didn't know you wanted this. I’m kind of an ass, I don’t think enough about some things. I had always assumed that you’d be right by my side. I could imagine us in an old folks home when we’re old. I’d be annoying the living crap out of anyone around me, and you’d be at my side, in your wheel chair, laughing and calling me an asshole. I didn't realize how this was hurting you. I think we've been going about this whole thing wrong, don’t you think? I choose you, I always choose you. Do you want to just start over? We can date, hell, let’s got to the movies and make out like teenagers. Give me a chance to try this all again, the right way. It’ll be you, and only you. Please Ryan?”  
Ryan couldn't wrap his head around what Brendon was saying. He was actually choosing Ryan? Only Ryan? “Does... Does this mean I can be your boyfriend? Like, publicly?”  
“Hell yes, I’ll call up everyone I know. I’ll get a shirt that’ll say, ‘Ryan Ross is my boyfriend, I love him more than you do.’ I’ll do anything for you Ryan. If you just let me.” Brendon had a desperate look in his eyes.He really meant what he was saying.  
Ryan was crying tears of joy at this point. “I guess that works. Only if you wear that shirt on our first date and you pay. For everything.”  
Brendon smiled wide, and Ryan loved the look of his wonderful face, so beautiful. “Anything for you, Princess Ryan.”  
Ryan smiles back, and Brendon leans in to kiss him. Ryan stops him, though, and says, “No, not until you are completely broken up with Sarah.”  
“Alright,” Brendon said, leaning back. He paused, though, as he realized something. “Oh, um, Ryan? Do you think I can stay here for a couple of days after Sarah kicks me out? Because I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be allowed to stay there...”  
Ryan laughed and said, “Yeah, sure, move in if you want to. I won’t notice, I’ll be too busy gloating to Spencer about how I have the absolute best new boyfriend!”

 

Later  
“Dude, you are getting so many weird looks,” Ryan whispered to Brendon.  
“Yeah, I know. I probably should’ve gotten you a shirt that says Ryan Ross. They might think I’m cheating on him with you and that I’m just a giant ass,” Brendon said with a laugh.  
A couple of teenage girls walked by then, and one of them stopped and stared at them, and her mouth flew open. “Oh my god, you’re Brendon and Ryan! From Panic! Or used to be at least. And you’re dating now? No! No way! Can I please have a picture? Please? Can I post it online? Because do you know how many people would owe me their lives if I proved Ryden is real? Oh my god, please?”  
Ryan shifted slightly behind Brendon in fear. Uh oh, his relationship was just getting started and it was going to get ruined by this teenage girl!  
Brendon, though, didn't react like Ryan kind of expected. He grabbed Ryan and pulled him to his side and wrapped an arm around his waist. “Sure! Just let everyone know that Ryan is mine, all mine.”  
The girl squeaked and pulled out a digital camera. Well, isn't it her lucky day? She took a picture of them with Brendon’s arm around Ryan, a close up of Brendon’s shirt, and one last one that was supposed to be just the two of them standing there, but Brendon grabbed Ryan at the last moment and started kissing him. Like, full on, with tongue in everything. and the caught it all.  
The girl and her friends said goodbye and left, leaving Ryan and Brendon making out in the middle of the mall.  
Ryan pulled away after a couple of minutes and said, “Come on, you’re not getting out of having to pay for our first date movie.”  
Brendon laughed and said, “Okay, Princess.”  
Their relationship wasn't easy, they had to get over Brendon’s break up, then they had to come out to all the friends and family, which was difficult considering Brendon’s clan of Mormons, although one of his cousins said she saw it all along. Even though they had a kind of rocky start, they were the happiest they had been in awhile, and Ryan was glad he made the choice he did. He just kind of regretted not doing it sooner. Because kissing Brendon in public was possibly one of the best things ever.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first story, so I'm really sorry if it sucks. Any criticism, or comments are welcome, as long as you aren't being blatantly mean. I hope to write more and get better! This was a lot of fun to write, so I hope someone enjoys it. Thanks for reading!


End file.
